Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Come see our sink grown plant.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
