An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
