i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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