my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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