someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
