There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
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