i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
