Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
