I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
