Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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