wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
