why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
