I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Randomize
