she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Im part way to drunk.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
