those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Randomize
