you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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