i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
