I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
