I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
this just has baby written all over it
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
