U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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