Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
