Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Randomize
