My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
