Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
