Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
