Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
