I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
