My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
then he tried to convert me to islam
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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