oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
