Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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