i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Someone came in the potted fern
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
