My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Randomize
