I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Randomize
