Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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