There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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