im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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