We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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