Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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