you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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