All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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