just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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