Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
