she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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