I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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