I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
