I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
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