I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Ketchup is God's man juice
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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