Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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