I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
