No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
